Now that you know who I am, I would like to show you a little of what I do. Here is a question that that helps to illustrate that speaking our partners language can make all the difference in the reactions and behaviors we see in return.
Why does my boyfriend pick arguments with me when I am sad and make me sadder?
He never makes me feel happy when I’m down to the extent that I rarely show him my sadness until it’s too overwhelming. By that point he doesn't seem to care, he even seems annoyed by my sadness. He often responds by telling me I don't know what a bad day is etc. :( ~ Jane
Jane- by now you have likely told all of your girlfriends about this and most have them have probably consoled you and called him an insensitive *----*. The good news is that you have awesome girl friends to turn to and make you feel better about not getting what you needed from your man; and hopefully they also made you feel better about what was making you sad in the first place. Unfortunately, however, they have not actually helped you solve the problem of a lack of support from your boyfriend.
We all need a support system and hopefully Jane has one. What is unfortunate is that the person she wants in her support system isn’t providing her the support she needs.
Is Jane’s boyfriend an insensitive jerk? Maybe. I don’t know him personally, but the fact that she asking the question indicates that Jane see’s something in the guy and probably would like this behavior of his to stop.
Let’s play nice and say that Dick (Jane’s BF) is, in fact, not a dick; but he is a guy. Some guys tend to be known for a sort of clumsiness when it comes to woman’s emotions, especially when tears are involved. So when a girlfriend comes home with mascara smeared raccoon eyes, a guy’s initial reaction may be to run for fear of contracting rabies. Much like with rabid raccoons, a punch to the arm and a gratuitous beer isn’t going to fix a crying girlfriend- even if it wasn’t Dicks fault Jane was crying in the first place.
So, Jane, we have concluded that men have difficulty with emotion- especially when it comes on full blast out of no where...but this doesn't mean he doesn't care... in fact it’s likely the opposite.
You mentioned that you rarely show him your vulnerability, until you are overwhelmed by it and if you are anything like most of us strong, independent woman, it comes on like the wrath of a tornado.
When you are having one of those particularly bad days, it’s not likely just the events of that day that are making you sad but more likely the culmination of many events and emotions that have finally reached a head. Individually those small events and emotions you manage to "deal with" on your own without turning to your boyfriend. Your thresh-hold is just much higher, until the dam breaks. By that time you are over being rational, and have probably let your emotions take over, and bring on the raccoon eyes!
You mentioned that you rarely show him your vulnerability, until you are overwhelmed by it and if you are anything like most of us strong, independent woman, it comes on like the wrath of a tornado.
When you are having one of those particularly bad days, it’s not likely just the events of that day that are making you sad but more likely the culmination of many events and emotions that have finally reached a head. Individually those small events and emotions you manage to "deal with" on your own without turning to your boyfriend. Your thresh-hold is just much higher, until the dam breaks. By that time you are over being rational, and have probably let your emotions take over, and bring on the raccoon eyes!
You are telling your boyfriend that you are sad, and all the horrible things that happened to you. He hears, “I am sad, my life sucks, why don’t you even care? “ By the time that you let him in, and tell him that you are sad, it’s because you are so desperate to not feel that way you are turning to the one person you trust and can count on...and expecting him to fix it...
That sounds right... the person you have a connection with, that you trust with your secrets, that you love, should be the one who can help you fix it.... but there is a piece of the puzzle missing...
That sounds right... the person you have a connection with, that you trust with your secrets, that you love, should be the one who can help you fix it.... but there is a piece of the puzzle missing...
His reaction to this may come across as annoyance with your sadness, and he may even put up defenses because he feels like he is being accused of not caring; and to compound the issues his frustration is being fueled by not knowing how to fix it.
So how come when you say the exact same thing to your girlfriends, they all know that you need a hug, a few suggestions on how to fix the problem and a couple laughs over a glass of wine and everything thing is aaaall better- like a rabies shot wrapped in a pretty pink bow? Easy, because girls already speak your language.
Woman’s intuition is really just a strong connection to sensing emotional chemistry, and your girlfriends, the ones who know you best, already have a super-sense for what you need just based on what you are feeling. Most guys don’t have that spidy-sense built in, unless they are really ‘metro’ or grew up in a house with mom and 6 sisters.
The good news is that what men lack in supernatural emotional intuition, they make up for in fixing things. I am not talking about the fixing the dripping faucet, or tinkering with a broken VCR even when no one owns a VHS tape anymore. I am talking about an inherent preprogrammed need to give, to fix a problem, and with that, comes protecting you from your own tears.
Back in the 50's it was easy, men worked to "provide" for their families, woman stayed home and made sure the man had a happy home to come back to. Woman's rights movements were an awesome thing- allowing us strong, intelligent, and ambitious woman out there to prove that we could rule in a 'mans world", but unfortunately in the fight for our independence we have forgotten that Men - real MEN - like to give.
Men are simple creatures.... they are typically very rational, which is why strong emotions can overwhelm or frustrate them, they don't want you to be sad, but until they know what you need, they don't know how to fix it, and they push away.
Men are simple creatures.... they are typically very rational, which is why strong emotions can overwhelm or frustrate them, they don't want you to be sad, but until they know what you need, they don't know how to fix it, and they push away.
Expressing your feelings is healthy, especially for your own sake. But telling your man over and over that you are sad isn’t allowing him in to give to you. Often times, from his perspective, a repeated reminder that your needs aren’t being met makes him feel degraded and emasculated, like he is failing at something.
So, it’s all about Dick or at least speaking his language.
If you want him in your deep support circle, you have to invite him in. The way to do that is to translate your emotions into something that men can understand. When you tell him you are sad, be sure that you follow that up with the translation: what you need.
Whether you just need to vent, or that you could really use a glass of wine, or even just a hug, letting him know where he can lend a helping hand and “fix” it, gives him something to respond to. And, if you really want to flip the “I am a Man” switch and watch him spring to action like a superhero, after your tears have subsided, ask him “what do you think I should do about it?”
